Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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