I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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