i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
