My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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