new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
