"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
