All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
