Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
