she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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