How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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