Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
