Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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