just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
