Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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