we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
