I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
