I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I party with great urgency now.
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