when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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