I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
