you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
