anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
