so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
