happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
