i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
