I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
