Well apparently he's into motor boating.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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