Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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