you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
