I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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