Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
