You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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