the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You know, be my cock's hype man.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
When are your genitals available?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
