I think my fart just growled at me.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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