it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
