worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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