he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
