in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
