i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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