My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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