Texts From Last Night · rebahume's Favorites

Sorry Lordylordlord hasn't picked any favorites yet.

rebahume's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything

Fav 1 1327 699
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick

Fav 11 999 1015
share tweet

(614): View more from Ohio

Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass

Fav 2 895 953
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Im 95% ready to shit behind 711

Fav 4 1436 2419
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.

Fav 6 2802 980
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.

Fav 2 1903 830
share tweet

(919): View more from North Carolina

Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.

Fav 5 966 628
share tweet

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language

Fav 5 973 526
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.

Fav 5 1122 647
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.

Fav 4 816 885
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"

Fav 3 630 923
share tweet

(603): View more from New Hampshire

What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?

Fav 1 451 702
share tweet

(337): View more from Louisiana

Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf

(337): View more from Louisiana

OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.

Fav 2 764 1423
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"

Fav 2 825 482
share tweet

(650): View more from California

Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt

(1-650): View more from California

Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here

Fav 0 986 601
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.

(440): View more from Ohio

he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.

Fav 10 1549 660
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.

Fav 13 735 1012
share tweet
(310): View more from California

You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now

Fav 1 556 810
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken

(716): View more from New York

Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.

Fav 1 734 1021
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.

Fav 3 584 1341
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.

Fav 0 1043 581
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.

Fav 3 888 669
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.

Fav 2 794 555
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.

Fav 6 543 1310
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.

Fav 1 812 914
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING

Fav 3 599 1270
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water

Fav 3 1438 617
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.

Fav 3 999 515
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding

Fav 3 1325 574
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.

Fav 1 1278 513
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.

Fav 6 851 1202
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.

Fav 1 965 534
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.

Fav 3 954 606
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.

Fav 0 713 565
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.

Fav 3 812 575
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this

Fav 1 1315 675
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo

Fav 8 3807 941
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.

Fav 7 648 1284
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure

Fav 23 4111 1008
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.

Fav 4 1600 536
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?

Fav 2 1701 709
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical

Fav 2 979 590
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer

Fav 6 668 634
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard

Fav 1 1048 619
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude

Fav 4 764 642
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed

Fav 2 900 523
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me

Fav 2 836 540
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"

Fav 5 946 640
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.

Fav 11 789 1213
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.

Fav 10 1586 736
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.

Fav 8 3351 875
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist

Fav 5 766 489
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

Fav 9 1927 2141
share tweet
(+35): View more from

I have feelings that need drinking.

Fav 2 1042 525
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back

Fav 7 1112 643
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.

Fav 9 1991 678
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.

Fav 1 712 1135
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white

Fav 10 839 2292
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.

Fav 22 4020 1489
share tweet
(909): View more from California

Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught

Fav 9 1139 543
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.

Fav 7 581 905
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes

Fav 2 1213 843
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free

(502): View more from Kentucky

Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"

Fav 3 1586 605
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night

(314): View more from Missouri

Welcome to 22

Fav 2 637 779
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.

Fav 3 1118 633
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"

Fav 0 1112 516
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.

Fav 1 570 773
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

True on all accounts.

Fav 13 3856 1325
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."

Fav 2 986 630
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.

Fav 3 1443 670
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".

Fav 8 1924 1253
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.

Fav 13 3061 980
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.

Fav 9 652 1424
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.

Fav 11 1261 2332
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut

(714): View more from California

I think mark twain said that originally

Fav 6 1905 766
share tweet
(831): View more from California

my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.

Fav 1 1028 622
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.

(1-207): View more from Maine

Hahahah pickled

(207): View more from Maine

I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.

Fav 1 525 705
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up

Fav 4 1513 626
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"

Fav 18 5236 1354
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?

Fav 6 979 653
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"

Fav 6 1760 823
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.

Fav 8 2111 715
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.

Fav 12 1408 780
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.

Fav 3 3601 901
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.

Fav 14 1942 649
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore

Fav 7 927 619
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.

Fav 0 724 604
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

Fav 23 5608 1717
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

What kind of balloon animal was it?

Fav 12 2275 815
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards

Fav 5 809 545
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?

Fav 7 722 2332
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white

Fav 5 1148 813
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?

Fav 27 988 3388
share tweet
(714): View more from California

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!

Fav 2 1271 505
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.

Fav 0 556 670
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.

Fav 1 940 619
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I spy something regrettable...

(716): View more from New York

Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.

Fav 1 772 565
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"

Fav 3 1302 585
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.

Fav 1 729 524
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?

Fav 4 1192 749
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage

Fav 4 1038 1547
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.

Fav 4 2456 1268
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

You want anything?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Gatorade and you naked.

Fav 10 3993 992
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

Fav 13 3796 1153
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.

Fav 6 2919 1377
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.

Fav 1 888 826
share tweet
(805): View more from California

fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King

Fav 2 661 1137
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.

Fav 1 1082 674
share tweet
(661): View more from California

He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.

Fav 4 1219 769
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.

Fav 5 2550 1184
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"

Fav 5 1021 2119
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina

Fav 12 2585 1166
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis

Fav 22 2253 945
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.

Fav 1 1346 685
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"

Fav 7 2529 826
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I think that's justified.

Fav 0 1090 510
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.

Fav 10 2708 1069
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.

Fav 8 2633 1588
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle

Fav 1 593 568
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

you take my contact solution?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.

Fav 4 549 953
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."

Fav 1 857 492
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex

Fav 2 904 618
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.

Fav 5 476 904
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!

Fav 7 867 605
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest

Fav 0 667 502
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

Fav 206 46795 4630
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53250 2388
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53081 3395
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53791 3107
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53656 6695
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67671 4396
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

Fav 179 88552 4084
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

Fav 206 89722 8277
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

Fav 167 92801 4897
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis

(828): View more from North Carolina

How high are you exactly

Fav 2 971 467
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.

Fav 1 535 781
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?

(727): View more from Florida

Oh god...probably.

Fav 3 1436 823
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

I was just power-washing my vagina.

Fav 8 1663 595
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know

Fav 1 997 442
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker

Fav 0 798 610
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.

Fav 3 1409 499
share tweet
(458): View more from Oregon

And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.

(458): View more from Oregon

Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.

Fav 3 1284 674
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.

Fav 3 965 577
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.

Fav 1 500 687
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.

Fav 2 1093 537
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.

Fav 1 411 662
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.

Fav 10 1087 613
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"

Fav 8 878 535
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

The tryst?

(952): View more from Minnesota

The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.

Fav 2 1232 568
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit

Fav 5 949 680
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?

Fav 10 953 648
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.

(505): View more from New Mexico

By piano you mean.....

(719): View more from Colorado

Like literally a piano.

(505): View more from New Mexico

Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.

Fav 5 1213 616
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.

Fav 2 1128 507
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.

Fav 2 776 681
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.

Fav 3 705 538
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left

Fav 7 1492 701
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.

(1-240): View more from Maryland

You've ruined popcorn for me.

Fav 7 1154 907
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?

Fav 4 604 854
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs

Fav 7 698 498
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?

Fav 2 877 544
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.

Fav 11 803 809
share tweet
(+55): View more from

you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works

Fav 2 947 432
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.

Fav 2 976 523
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?

Fav 3 512 724
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.

Fav 1 681 431
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

Fav 6 1131 765
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.

Fav 6 1012 573
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..

Fav 6 870 682
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.

Fav 0 697 540
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"

Fav 0 720 534
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?

Fav 7 1116 622
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.

Fav 3 610 450
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"

Fav 4 1162 542
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.

Fav 12 1464 616
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.

Fav 3 775 489
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"

Fav 4 1462 621
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.

Fav 7 578 1207
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.

Fav 1 1108 565
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.

Fav 1 1232 545
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink

Fav 1 716 502
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face

Fav 7 626 1123
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.

Fav 1 569 688
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick

Fav 3 684 551
share tweet
(805): View more from California

We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...

Fav 1 1021 527
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.

Fav 2 695 477
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM

Fav 2 947 575
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Ugh he's texting me.

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.

Fav 5 1904 974
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...

Fav 3 599 1194
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.

Fav 3 529 906
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won

Fav 2 1149 502
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate

Fav 1 695 519
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.

Fav 3 658 840
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.

Fav 4 903 573
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?

Fav 21 1206 645
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.

Fav 6 803 490
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!

Fav 0 627 436
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.

Fav 2 641 827
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...

Fav 2 867 480
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."

Fav 5 936 695
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.

Fav 4 703 525
share tweet
(949): View more from California

When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless

Fav 7 1758 1124
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.

Fav 5 1631 866
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

Fav 11 5909 1543
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Put some vodka in it

(424): View more from California

Its 7am

(323): View more from California

put some vodka in it

Fav 7 2271 779
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.

(606): View more from Kentucky

Cheese only

Fav 5 1206 572
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me

(480): View more from Arizona

its gonna be a great night

Fav 11 1402 622
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??

Fav 9 1622 670
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"

Fav 4 778 503
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.

Fav 3 1068 572
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw

Fav 8 585 923
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.

Fav 1 915 505
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.

Fav 2 740 466
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

We're showing the video later bring pizza

Fav 2 1072 503
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes

Fav 0 793 461
share tweet
(710): View more from

It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.

Fav 1 783 572
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.

Fav 0 710 491
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.

Fav 1 723 520
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.

Fav 5 1089 665
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays

Fav 0 635 434
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me

Fav 2 735 473
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment

Fav 1 699 492
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Our relationship needs a sober moment

(1-719): View more from Colorado

I'll call you when that happens

Fav 0 741 504
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy

(313): View more from Michigan

Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle

Fav 5 1377 646
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French

Fav 4 911 485
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.

Fav 3 631 884
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups

Fav 3 720 470
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I

Fav 7 644 515
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.

(518): View more from New York

I'm not going to ask which end you used.

Fav 1 486 770
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....

Fav 1 884 491
share tweet
(650): View more from California

i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era

Fav 1 818 580
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.

Fav 0 684 504
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.

Fav 1 1150 612
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

Fav 204 120257 4362
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146109 10758
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173890 44335
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.

Fav 4 1520 602
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet

Fav 4 1401 570
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila

Fav 7 1657 662
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick

Fav 7 1719 618
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot

Fav 2 1937 635
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change

(303): View more from Colorado

well did he get it

(602): View more from Arizona

....yes

Fav 0 990 535
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.

(480): View more from Arizona

You are both horrible and amazing

Fav 1 1051 574
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule

Fav 15 1063 710
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.

Fav 8 1197 716
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value

Fav 3 1221 625
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.

(714): View more from California

Worser: she offered to clean me up

Fav 11 577 1133
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??

Fav 5 565 925
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar

Fav 1 633 478
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much

Fav 1 788 411
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.

Fav 8 699 502
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales

Fav 1 1519 947
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink

(615): View more from Tennessee

Like really drunk?

(615): View more from Tennessee

Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?

Fav 1 1172 590
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you

(1+44): View more from

Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause

Fav 4 1256 572
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Are you still free tonight?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid

Fav 2 1396 652
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.

Fav 5 1562 620
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.

Fav 3 1019 538
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples

Fav 3 503 832
share tweet