Texts From Last Night · missamerica's Favorites

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missamerica's Favorites Texts:

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.

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(706): View more from Georgia

we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

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(513): View more from Ohio

you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.

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(916): View more from California

nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds

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(302): View more from Delaware

Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob

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(647): View more from Ontario

she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener

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(802): View more from Vermont

he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(607): View more from New York

Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?

(607): View more from New York

Nevermind, it's in the dryer.

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(360): View more from Washington

i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

(1-360): View more from Washington

oh. my. god. yes.

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(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

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(858): View more from California

for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers

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(315): View more from New York

There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.

(440): View more from Ohio

its Wednesday...

(315): View more from New York

they're reeeeeally big trays

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(540): View more from Virginia

is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?

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(863): View more from Florida

oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis

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(541): View more from Oregon

Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?

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(718): View more from New York

We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.

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(925): View more from California

This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

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(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

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(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(517): View more from Michigan

I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(636): View more from Missouri

she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

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(864): View more from South Carolina

he tried to breastfeed my turtle

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(914): View more from New York

my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip

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(503): View more from Oregon

Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it

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(323): View more from California

Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me

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(217): View more from Illinois

I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.

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(713): View more from Texas

Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.

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(206): View more from Washington

it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.

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(478): View more from Georgia

Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick

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(732): View more from New Jersey

shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

you dont

(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont

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(949): View more from California

She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...

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(516): View more from New York

matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.

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(408): View more from California

I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars

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(732): View more from New Jersey

90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did

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(804): View more from Virginia

Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting

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(719): View more from Colorado

Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.

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(562): View more from California

I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.

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(616): View more from Michigan

our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

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(917): View more from New York City

omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.

(310): View more from California

wait, who's paul?

(917): View more from New York City

exactly.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

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(480): View more from Arizona

It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.

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(905): View more from Toronto

I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(915): View more from Texas

You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?

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(207): View more from Maine

I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.

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(801): View more from Utah

He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There is a pube in my fucking eyeball

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(808): View more from Hawaii

mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.

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(239): View more from Florida

so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.

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(330): View more from Ohio

theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.

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(714): View more from California

we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

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