I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
