Texts From Last Night · flyinggirl139's Favorites

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?

(727): View more from Florida

ME.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.

(931): View more from Tennessee

BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED

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(425): View more from Washington

The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

(732): View more from New Jersey

Career choice validated

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(530): View more from California

Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.

(818): View more from California

As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.

(224): View more from Illinois

That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.

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(407): View more from Florida

Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..

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(773): View more from Illinois

Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night

(773): View more from Illinois

Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh

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(330): View more from Ohio

I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.

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(310): View more from California

I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested

(612): View more from Minnesota

Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary

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(757): View more from Virginia

I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.

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(937): View more from Ohio

He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Did you win?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.

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(513): View more from Ohio

5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?

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(425): View more from Washington

How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?

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(916): View more from California

Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing

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(330): View more from Ohio

Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas

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(710): View more from

my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking

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(296): View more from

just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night

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(248): View more from Michigan

We need to make tonight low-budget

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Is this your way of suggesting flasks?

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(360): View more from Washington

I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.

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(716): View more from New York

I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.

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(209): View more from California

Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol

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(404): View more from Georgia

i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me

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(330): View more from Ohio

He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.

(216): View more from Ohio

Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.

(618): View more from Illinois

dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink

(615): View more from Tennessee

Like really drunk?

(615): View more from Tennessee

Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?

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(210): View more from Texas

Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.

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(281): View more from Texas

all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy

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(828): View more from North Carolina

There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.

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(587): View more from Alberta

You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later

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(785): View more from Kansas

I round house kicked her emotions in the face

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(713): View more from Texas

it is shots o' clock and I am never late

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(240): View more from Maryland

You said dick pics aren't attractive

(301): View more from Maryland

Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3

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(810): View more from Michigan

I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.

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(386): View more from Florida

I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks

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(231): View more from Michigan

I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus

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(360): View more from Washington

I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.

(360): View more from Washington

I hate that cat.

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(516): View more from New York

I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...

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(720): View more from Colorado

In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater

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(310): View more from California

That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...

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(802): View more from Vermont

when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.

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(727): View more from Florida

Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Happy Birhtday!

(289): View more from Ontario

Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home

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(954): View more from Florida

I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else

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(301): View more from Maryland

I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo

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(912): View more from Georgia

I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

I'm coming right back.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.

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(309): View more from Illinois

WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!

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(954): View more from Florida

Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.

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(936): View more from Texas

I AM VODKA MAN

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.

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(254): View more from Texas

Im just a social blackout drinker.

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(708): View more from Illinois

was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?

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(516): View more from New York

Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth

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(937): View more from Ohio

Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Just trying to get my dicks in a row.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?

(505): View more from New Mexico

Heroically.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

DC is easy, you will figure it out.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work

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(301): View more from Maryland

A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.

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(618): View more from Illinois

If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "

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(305): View more from Florida

Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion

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(613): View more from Ontario

Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.

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(269): View more from Michigan

That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.

(269): View more from Michigan

AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

(404): View more from Georgia

STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha

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(206): View more from Washington

I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.

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(325): View more from Texas

Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I would never do this in real life. It's only college.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.

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(772): View more from Florida

He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina

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(573): View more from Missouri

It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot

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(404): View more from Georgia

Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.

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