Texts From Last Night · crombie531's Favorites

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(770): View more from Georgia

You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

where will you be at 9:30 tonight?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

piledriving you in your roommate's bed?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested

(612): View more from Minnesota

Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Didn't you used to babysit him?

(607): View more from New York

18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.

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(543): View more from

So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?

(256): View more from Alabama

Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.

(543): View more from

You are an idiot.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm gonna eat you out. But for science

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success

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(734): View more from Michigan

You get 5 min

(586): View more from Michigan

Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.

(904): View more from Florida

You're a good person. Sharing is caring.

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(613): View more from Ontario

He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....

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(212): View more from New York

No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.

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(425): View more from Washington

I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?

(330): View more from Ohio

Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

To be fair I was thirsty

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.

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(903): View more from Texas

Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back

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(813): View more from Florida

She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"

(571): View more from Virginia

why not an indie porn pic then

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(757): View more from Virginia

I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.

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(616): View more from Michigan

so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy

(313): View more from Michigan

Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?

(1-507): View more from Minnesota

Fuck you, my tits are fabulous

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(602): View more from Arizona

A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me

(480): View more from Arizona

its gonna be a great night

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.

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(646): View more from New York

Is 1:30 too early for the bar?

(718): View more from New York

Do you want my opinion or society's?

(646): View more from New York

I want your company

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Agreed.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.

(618): View more from Illinois

dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash

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(614): View more from Ohio

I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.

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(904): View more from Florida

Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.

(631): View more from New York

You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?

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(513): View more from Ohio

well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them

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(+61): View more from Australia

You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him

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(786): View more from Florida

Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.

(1-786): View more from Florida

Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?

(786): View more from Florida

I insist.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit

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(801): View more from Utah

I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me

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(216): View more from Ohio

Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.

(440): View more from Ohio

Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.

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(438): View more from Quebec

I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.

(1-438): View more from Quebec

God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.

(438): View more from Quebec

Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss

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(770): View more from Georgia

Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.

(404): View more from Georgia

Good luck

(770): View more from Georgia

Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.

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(818): View more from California

We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

(619): View more from California

I will find you...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.

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(720): View more from Colorado

At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......

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(+33): View more from France

If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell

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(865): View more from Tennessee

My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Hydrate.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't you gay?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME

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(734): View more from Michigan

Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20

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(219): View more from Indiana

i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.

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(315): View more from New York

My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.

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(631): View more from New York

I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You left wolverine marks

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

I'm somewhere between sorry and proud

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(615): View more from Tennessee

How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.

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(269): View more from Michigan

So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea

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(248): View more from Michigan

All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.

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(770): View more from Georgia

There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.

(404): View more from Georgia

My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.

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(770): View more from Georgia

It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front

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(805): View more from California

Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"

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(925): View more from California

I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.

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(530): View more from California

When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.

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(309): View more from Illinois

my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"

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(312): View more from Illinois

2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.

(254): View more from Texas

It's 2 pm....

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(650): View more from California

I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.

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(914): View more from New York

I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts

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(714): View more from California

You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

started my period, we have to try again next week

(1-770): View more from Georgia

if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?

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(404): View more from Georgia

After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

(404): View more from Georgia

I come from her. Holy hell.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?

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(757): View more from Virginia

So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.

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(509): View more from Washington

My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand

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(716): View more from New York

So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.

(1-716): View more from New York

Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money

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(301): View more from Maryland

The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

Tis the season.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.

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(909): View more from California

I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina

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(602): View more from Arizona

Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.

(316): View more from Kansas

That's the best creepy text ever.

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(714): View more from California

Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?

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(503): View more from Oregon

Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.

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(660): View more from Missouri

On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.

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(512): View more from Texas

The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning

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(318): View more from Louisiana

At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?

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(708): View more from Illinois

That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.

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(716): View more from New York

the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?

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(407): View more from Florida

When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?

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(519): View more from Ontario

I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.

(503): View more from Oregon

Score one for dad.

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(513): View more from Ohio

hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"

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(904): View more from Florida

But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.

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(954): View more from Florida

Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"

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(516): View more from New York

She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.

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(561): View more from Florida

You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...

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(601): View more from Mississippi

The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.

(615): View more from Tennessee

My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that

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(778): View more from British Columbia

they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(765): View more from Indiana

Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.

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(334): View more from Alabama

She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper

(205): View more from Alabama

Restraining order pending?

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(563): View more from Iowa

I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.

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(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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(901): View more from Tennessee

A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again

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(607): View more from New York

I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.

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