Texts From Last Night · awalta6wha's Favorites

Sorry jk33z hasn't picked any favorites yet.

awalta6wha's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(757): View more from Virginia

Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.

Fav 20 4536 1683
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

Fav 25 11789 1403
share tweet

(708): View more from Illinois

she fell through a window trying to flash someone

Fav 12 4799 1956
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

Fav 14 7561 1440
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

Fav 5 4489 1313
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

Fav 27 6218 1569
share tweet

(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order

Fav 14 5557 1200
share tweet

(214): View more from Texas

Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.

Fav 6 3469 1868
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

Fav 28 1786 5714
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

Fav 4 5319 1072
share tweet
(408): View more from California

4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.

Fav 17 5746 1577
share tweet

(613): View more from Ontario

I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked

Fav 6 3880 1279
share tweet

(906): View more from Michigan

he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor

Fav 4 3259 1241
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

Fav 37 14192 1708
share tweet

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

Fav 11 5702 1174
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.

Fav 17 1188 4347
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.

Fav 10 4670 1466
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell

Fav 11 4125 1153
share tweet
(310): View more from California

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

Fav 9 6177 2088
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.

Fav 22 4885 1231
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.

Fav 15 6107 1527
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.

Fav 14 4181 2203
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?

Fav 19 4775 1213
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

Fav 16 10634 1513
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.

Fav 4 3138 1005
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.

Fav 2 3903 1105
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

Fav 17 6976 1435
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.

Fav 58 7367 1128
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.

Fav 47 1072 3734
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks

Fav 17 4940 2004
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

Fav 6 5964 1226
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?

Fav 16 7906 1250
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

Fav 10 6198 1293
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

Fav 41 6859 1590
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

Fav 15 5333 1389
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

Fav 19 6915 1409
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund

Fav 6 3220 1126
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.

Fav 3 4636 1801
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.

Fav 5 3262 1273
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?

Fav 14 3930 1158
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

Fav 19 9103 2267
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes

Fav 7 3621 1552
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.

Fav 146 4832 1263
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

Fav 9 6021 1461
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon

Fav 44 6463 1369
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

Fav 12 8185 1428
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed

Fav 8 4098 1411
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

Fav 50 20776 2684
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize

Fav 19 7685 1410
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

Fav 10 8737 1328
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

How sober do you have to be to donate blood?

Fav 9 3820 1382
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked

Fav 5 3850 1040
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.

Fav 8 3652 1384
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes

Fav 4 4381 1268
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card

Fav 4 3515 1112
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.

Fav 3 3525 1031
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

Fav 18 8588 1685
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla

Fav 13 4820 1724
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.

Fav 13 3661 1165
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it

Fav 10 2862 1009
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

Fav 15 6203 1852
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again

Fav 5 3446 1408
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

Fav 9 7738 1441
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?

Fav 6 3051 1237
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.

Fav 15 7754 1544
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

Fav 5 4952 1234
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

Fav 15 5209 1217
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now

Fav 22 4802 1212
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

Fav 12 14089 1680
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

Fav 11 5342 1613
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

Fav 24 10563 1390
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

Fav 21 8832 1434
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

Fav 17 8661 2180
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.

Fav 10 6631 1175
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.

Fav 25 4120 748
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

Fav 5 4191 1280
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.

Fav 8 4232 1933
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

Fav 35 7092 1830
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

Fav 16 6915 1404
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

Fav 31 15546 2222
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

Fav 13 8398 1571
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

Fav 13 6249 1423
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense

Fav 11 6662 1387
share tweet
(619): View more from California

i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.

Fav 20 8596 1242
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

Fav 26 6531 4126
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?

Fav 13 4309 1724
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Haha how much did you smoke

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

4 feet of smokeee!

Fav 20 3929 1009
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!

(315): View more from New York

... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...

Fav 19 1888 4878
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!

Fav 11 1732 877
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

Fav 33 10160 1612
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

Fav 16 6774 1329
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way

Fav 22 5580 1892
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

Fav 38 7687 1914
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"

Fav 33 8717 1193
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

Fav 35 7852 1579
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

Fav 39 5443 3196
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

Fav 17 10851 1529
share tweet
(831): View more from California

So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

Fav 18 1766 7013
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

Fav 38 9131 1253
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

Fav 25 6794 1420
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic

Fav 10 4956 1398
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

Fav 10 5657 1574
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What's going on tomorrow?

(913): View more from Kansas

Nothing, it's Wednesday

Fav 29 11318 1457
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

Fav 26 10302 1577
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.

Fav 26 8193 989
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

Fav 22 8698 1392
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

Fav 29 17913 1675
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.

Fav 22 5207 900
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

Fav 24 7804 1456
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

Fav 27 9417 1285
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

Fav 35 8950 1843
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

Fav 22 6507 1693
share tweet
(323): View more from California

may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.

(818): View more from California

First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.

Fav 41 8111 1094
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

Fav 23 7007 2478
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

Fav 15 12572 1418
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof

Fav 4 4194 1142
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Goodnight sugar queer

(480): View more from Arizona

Sugar queer??

(602): View more from Arizona

Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?

Fav 17 1971 2429
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.

Fav 20 6007 2051
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

Fav 29 10133 1783
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order

Fav 12 5511 1546
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell

Fav 17 6212 1358
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab

(253): View more from Washington

I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.

Fav 3 2647 877
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

Fav 26 9014 1786
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

Fav 12 8815 1435
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.

Fav 14 4918 966
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

Fav 26 9476 1662
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.

Fav 39 5961 978
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

Fav 69 2170 26615
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.

Fav 39 4327 1464
share tweet
(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

Fav 38 10286 1062
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention

Fav 9 4569 1577
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

Fav 22 10541 1451
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

Fav 12 9149 2024
share tweet
(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

Fav 25 9649 1672
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

Fav 72 11325 1847
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

Fav 45 12482 1733
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on

Fav 20 6614 1422
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

Fav 25 9706 1476
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.

Fav 24 5715 1745
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

We need to get cat food

(713): View more from Texas

Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms

Fav 23 5747 1342
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?

Fav 22 6871 856
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...

Fav 15 5095 1085
share tweet
(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

Fav 19 13055 1326
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...

Fav 53 12722 1797
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".

Fav 19 7386 1130
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

Fav 19 6431 1319
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

super hot butfun

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.

Fav 11 3491 1023
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

Fav 13 7351 1349
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird

Fav 11 6584 1907
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.

Fav 32 7730 1123
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised

Fav 10 4265 1693
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

Fav 17 10143 1738
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

Fav 27 6806 1690
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

(708): View more from Illinois

May it rest in peace.

Fav 17 4944 1781
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

Fav 28 17228 1872
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

Fav 25 11128 1792
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

Fav 12 5082 1445
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

Fav 21 5005 1498
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

Fav 8 5040 1419
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..

(256): View more from Alabama

everythings easier when your wearing a toga.

Fav 22 7649 1366
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

Fav 19 3057 7018
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

Fav 10 6582 1757
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

Fav 13 8243 1409
share tweet
(408): View more from California

i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both

(650): View more from California

i think otters can do that

Fav 18 3637 911
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

Fav 96 13849 2783
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

Fav 19 6755 1632
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message

Fav 9 6007 1390
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

Fav 39 10953 1545
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood

(540): View more from Virginia

pics

(757): View more from Virginia

no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles

Fav 6 2202 1067
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.

Fav 23 7589 1340
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.

Fav 12 3594 1404
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

Fav 38 9516 2396
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

Fav 21 11548 1663
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

Fav 65 29374 2499
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????

Fav 39 6720 1955
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

Fav 120 28217 5133
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

Fav 24 7916 2104
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

Fav 65 17357 1784
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.

Fav 34 9818 1373
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

Fav 140 40100 2218
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

Fav 97 45282 2189
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

Fav 116 67837 4686
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

Fav 12 7369 1463
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

Fav 78 13028 1232
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

Fav 9 7837 1461
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

Fav 26 10897 1536
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

(904): View more from Florida

Both

Fav 18 6630 1150
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

Fav 12 8224 1409
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

Fav 65 19224 1737
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out

Fav 16 2205 6183
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested

Fav 7 1976 2852
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.

Fav 14 4921 894
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss

Fav 43 9806 1015
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.

Fav 22 6412 1036
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.

Fav 14 2364 871
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

Fav 29 9814 1964
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

Fav 27 11767 1879
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

Fav 11 1807 6863
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.

Fav 6 5663 1277
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You make your fellow Jews happy.

Fav 16 6765 1431
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

Fav 7 6451 1650
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

Fav 61 28048 1881
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

Fav 27 13678 1979
share tweet