My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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