addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
