The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
