Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Someone shit on the floor
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
