and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
