so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
