wakey wakey hands off snakey
false alarm. still invincible.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
