I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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