im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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