as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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